


you're everything i ever wanted (everything i never knew i needed)

by Catherines_Collections



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Multi, Mutual Pining, Pining, Polyamory, Sloppy Makeouts, Suicidal Thoughts, cannot believe i wrote dialogue lmao, i wrote what i wanted to read guys, three boys who love each other just trying to find themselves and survive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2019-01-06 15:51:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12213993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catherines_Collections/pseuds/Catherines_Collections
Summary: For a moment, the world isn’t red and angry and incredibly unfair. For a moment, the world is Jared’s scent and Evan’s hitched breath behind them and Connor’s too fast heartbeat all at once and he thinks it might be the closest thing to happiness he’s ever felt.





	you're everything i ever wanted (everything i never knew i needed)

**Author's Note:**

> Me: an asexual, who does not understand sexual attraction, and hardly ever experiences any form of desire herself.
> 
> My brain: You know what would make this fic? A HATE/UNIDENTIFIED FEELINGS MAKE-OUT SCENE.
> 
> I literally wrote what I wanted to read from a sincerely three fic since this fandom is LACKING.   
> also, BIG thanks to @starkerpeter for gifting me with motivation to get this fic done. she is great so check her stuff out!
> 
> Anyway, I own nothing please enjoy!
> 
> Feast.

It starts, as most things do, with Connor’s anger, how Jared always picks, and Evan absent when he should be present.

The night, morning, whatever, is dark and too big and Connor has never liked feeling small, so he takes out a joint and rolls it so he doesn’t have to think about any of it anymore. Which was working great, until he saw a shadow of another figure walking towards him from across the park and everything went to shit.

Connor doesn’t know what the hell Jared Kleinman is doing in the community park at three in the morning, but he is way too tired and high to care.

He is also too tired and high to handle when Jared comes up to him with a shit eating grin and: “Connor-fucking- Murphy! How the hell are you this fine morning?”

Connor grits his teeth.

He raises his eyes to meet Jared’s, tilting his head back against the brick wall he’s been leaning on, and sees the dark bags under Jared’s eyes: how his smile’s a little off even for him. But he doesn’t feel like asking about any of it because they all have their shit and his involves self-pity right now because Larry was yelling again and Evan’s out of town visiting his dad for the weekend the only time for the year.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Connor asks and something too familiar and warm floods through his veins when Jared’s grin only widens.

“Your boyfriend text and asked me to check up on you,” Connor squints at the inflection of the word boyfriend coming out of Jared’s mouth, “because you haven’t been answering your phone.”

And shit, it’s true. His phone died before the fight and he hadn’t thought to grab the charger on his way back out, the adrenaline in his body too high. Like it still is now.

“Yeah, well here I am. You found me, congratulations. You can leave now.”

Jared clicks his tongue.

“Oh, but Connor,” he starts in a tone of such obvious mock concern that Connor has to sink his nails into his hand and remind himself to breathe to avoid all the red, “what would I tell precious Evan?”

And it’s not even a big deal is the thing. It’s just Jared being Jared in a park at three in the morning, but Evan is gone and his family is shit and he’s really getting tired of how tempting the bridge three miles down the road is looking. And so, when he snaps it's hard and there are a million different things building up in his mind and it’s all too much.

“I don’t fucking know, Kleinman, what’s it like to not have anybody that cares?”

As soon as the words are out Connor knows he’s gone too far. It’s in the second-long painful transition of watching Jared’s face fall before he schools it into something neutral.

“I don’t know, Murphy, at least _my_ family seems to.”

Connor whistles, enjoying how it echoes around the darkness of the park around them, “Damn, that cuts deep, Kleinman! Tell me again though, cause apparently I forget, when Evan called, did he ask about you at all?”

Jared looks a mixture of shocked and resigned: like he’s been expecting something like this. Like he knows Connor is the mess he is and that an incident like this was obvious and inevitable, and the nasty snarling thing inside of Connor surges as he watches Jared’s face settle into anger.

“Fuck you,” Jared settles on.

He’s seething, uttering the words from behind clenched teeth, fists tightening with every second bleeding by, and Connor’s smirk grows along with the angry thing inside of him.

“What's wrong, Kleinman?” He starts, letting fake sympathy coat his words, and inwardly preens when Jared’s eyes flicker to something indecipherable but seeming a whole hell of a lot like hurt, “Got some feelings buried under all that insecurity after all?”

He allows himself a dramatic sigh and glance at the ground before jerking his head quickly upwards and making eye contact, “God, wonder what Evan would think, huh?”

He takes a step closer and Jared doesn't move and the whole world feels like it's on fire, burning down around him. The weed does nothing to calm him and only enhancing his senses: making everything more acute, sharper, hotter, smothering.

The anger burns like fire under his skin and he feels like his lungs are drowning in smoke and the world around them is nothing but red.

“What do you think,” he starts, smirk cracking his face in two, and everything feels sharp and shallow and fake around him and it's about time someone gave Kleinman a piece of their mind, so why not him, “Evan would do if he found out you needed him more than he ever needed you?”

Jared flinches and the thing inside of him keeps urging and jesus, what was ever stopping him from making Kleinman feel as low as he made him feel? Something terrible sparks in his mind, and whatever filter he ever had has dissolved so it comes straight out.

“What do-” Connor pauses to laugh, “what do you think Evan would say if I told him about your little crush? I mean, if he doesn’t already know. It’s not like you’re discreet, always pining, always picking. God, do you know how many panic attacks I’ve had to help him through because of you? Fuck,” He starts to laugh so hard his hands fall on his knees, “Jesus, Kleinman, and I thought I was hopeless.”

He cackles again before straightening and taking a second to enjoy how pale Jared has become under the street light before delivering the final blow through a string of giggles, “At least Evan notices me.”

Before he can blink, Connor’s backed against the wall with Jared bunching his shirt up in the front: knuckles nearly as white as his face from how hard his fist are clenched. Connor feels another chuckle rise in his chest.

Jared’s face is devoid of any emotion, blank like he keeps it when he’s thinking: when someone has him too rattled to be the smart ass he always is.

“You don't know shit, Murphy,” Jared sneers, letting go and throwing him back further against the wall, breaking through the silence surrounding them, and delivering Connor back to the present, “get your suicidal ass home before I call Evan about your relapse.”

Connor wants to shout at him, yell _well at least he cares about me_ or _like you’d ever have the confidence to tell him what you know would hurt him._

Connor wants to enrage him further. Wants to ask _and then what? As if you’ll leave him alone with a monster like me like this._ Wants to make Jared’s face angry all over again so that he’ll lean it in closer to Connor’s and-

But that’s stupid dreamy high shit and so he settles for hoarse laughter instead.

Connor’s laughter echoes in Jared’s departing footsteps, but there isn't a trace of joy in it.

Connor doesn't think there ever has been.

.

When Evan gets back, Connor holds him for as long as he’s allowed, just breathing in his familiar scent.

He feels a soft smile rise on his face when Evan giggles, runs his hands through Connor’s hair and says softly, “Guess you missed me, huh?”

And Connor wants to tell him. Tell him about the park and Jared’s face, and the way he held himself up like he was trying not to break down. About how good he smelt, how soft his lips looked, and how pretty his eyes are. He wants to tell him, and when he lifts his head from where he has submerged it in Evan’s shirt and sees his smiling gently down at him, he knows he has to.

And so, he does.

.

“So what you’re saying,” Evan starts, voice void of any emotion, pulling himself into Connor’s lap and resting his head on his shoulder, “is that you want to invite Jared into what we have?”

And Connor doesn’t know how to answer in a way that won’t make Evan doubt himself, because he’d erase all traces of any kind of possible attraction if he needed to in order to keep Evan happy and confident and himself. He doesn’t know what to say so he pulls Evan as close as he can and says, “Yes.”

“Oh, thank goodness,” Evan slumps and sighs, moving back to stare up at Connor, “I was so worried I was going to have to make the proposal.”

Connor’s heart skips a beat at the word proposal but before he knows it he’s laughing the hardest he has in years before Evan leans up to capture his mouth.

.

The next time he sees Jared after the park is at the end of the school year party Zoe decided to host at their house while their parents were gone to some shitty couple-therapy spa for the weekend.

“You’re a dick, you know,” Jared says as he walks up to him, rising up to meet him, and Connor tries not to think about how close he is.

About how good he smells or how hypnotizing the colors of his eyes are. He tries to keep his eyes on Jared’s and refrain from glancing down at the pretty blush colored lips just below them.

He tries not to think about how Jared’s breath floods over his neck, how he has to tilt his head to meet his gaze straight on, and how Evan’s sitting by the corner, watching: lips probably bitten a pretty pink and hands moving over themselves at a frantic speed.

“Yeah,” Connor says, voice huskier than intended, and he doesn’t think he’s imagining it when he sees Jared quickly glance down at his lips, so he lets a grin spread across them, “I know.”

He doesn’t add _but you love it_ because going by the way he catches Jared’s half intrigued half disgusted glances, he already knows.

Jared gives Evan a half smile paired with a wink and blowing him a kiss over the shoulder that has Evan blushing bright pink, before he walks away chuckling.

“You- you shouldn’t mess with him like that,” Evan says after. They're standing beside each other against a wall and Connor leans down to run a finger across Evan’s pouting bottom lip, chuckling when Evan blushes even pinker.

“I mean it,” Evan starts again, when the flustered look has finally faded from his features, “he still- he still doesn’t understand yet, and we don’t- don’t want to scare him, or hurt our chance.”

 _Or him_ , goes unspoken, and Connor wonders if maybe too much between the three of them has gone unspoken: if that’s part of the bigger problem.

So, he sighs and straightens, taking Evan’s shaking hand in his as he leans back against the wall.

“I know,” Connor says, watching Jared trying to talk with Zoe and Alana at a table across the room, but really, he just makes Zoe defensive and Alana a laughing mess so the whole thing is a disaster from start to finish.

He pretends it doesn’t hurt that he and Evan are over here alone, because half of his heart is by his side and the other half is across the room, and he’s always been too greedy, too selfish, but this really takes the cake.

But then he glances back at Evan’s face, and sees the poorly hidden longing etched into the bags beneath his eyes, and frowns.

It's not a pain any of them deserve, so he falls further back into himself and the grip Evan has on his hand, strengthening with every second spent staring in Kleinman's direction until finally he lays an arm over Evan’s shoulder to pull him closer. Treasuring the small sigh Evan makes when he does.

“I know.”

And that’s that.

.

But it’s really not.

Because it’s never that simple and Connor’s mind can never just let something be, and Evan still thinks it's a good idea and there's no way he's letting himself mess this up for Evan: for either of them.

So he bites his tongue and tries to stay civil for as long as possible.

.

Of course, that's never very long.

They're at Evan’s house after school and Connor doesn't know what makes him snap this time: what the final straw is that has him seeing red and marching over to Kleinman's side of the room to back him into the wall.

He doesn't know whether it's Jared’s cocky grin when he commented how very “school shooter sheik” Connor’s hair was in the hallways that morning, or the way he laughs when Connor threatens to punch him. The way he acts like Connor couldn't - no, wouldn't - hurt him.

He has Jared up against the wall before either of them can think anything of it, lifts his legs around his waist and holds them there, nothing but the sounds of their breath in the room.

The tension is still too high, and Kleinman still thinks it’s more of a fight than anything, so Connor doesn’t move too fast. Not yet.

Instead Connor allows a smirk to spread across his face, focuses on Jared’s breath ghosting over his lips, and how he’s still panting from the sudden movement.

He thinks he can hear Evan’ heartbeat all the way from the other side of the room, but he doesn’t turn around: not yet.

Jared’s cheeks are a light pink but he’s still wearing the same sneer he had before Connor had pushed him into the wall. Still, Connor can tell he’s not as put together as he seems.

“Well, Connor,” Jared drawls, and Connor wonders just how Evan thought this would work out when he first proposed a face-to-face offer instead of an electronic one, “I do have to say. This,” Jared gestures to their position, and Connor notices the way his cheeks darken despite himself, and the flip his stomach takes at the act, “is pretty gay.”

Evan actually laughs at that: loud and unabashed and all of his nervous energy flitting out into the sound waves echoing around the room.

Jared looks past Connor and smiles, and the softest smiles he’s ever seen Jared wear are the ones where it comes to Evan, and Connor’s reminded of why they’re all here in the first place.

Connor makes sure to lean in as close as he possibly can, hitching Jared up higher on his waist, and poorly masking a laugh when he squeaks.

“Well, Kleinman,” Connor makes his voice breathy and inwardly preens when Jared’s eyes widen, “I’m pretty gay.”

Connor closes the inch of empty space between them and for a moment the world isn’t red and angry and incredibly unfair. For a moment, the world is Jared’s scent and Evan’s hitched breath behind them and Connor’s too fast heartbeat all at once and he thinks it might be the closest thing to happiness he’s ever felt.

The kiss is rough, through and through. It’s not love, but it’s not hate, but it tastes something like lust and too many possibilities.

Jared pulls him closer by his hair until he’s surging forward and grunting. Trying to bite at Jared’s bottom lip, and Jared shoves up closer into him, both of their mouths falling further open to let out moans.

Connor trails his mouth to Jared’s neck, teeth biting and nipping all the way, leaving a trail of red beginning behind his right ear and ending at his neck, groaning at every muffled noise Jared can't keep in. He takes a moment to admire his work, the amount of spite put into placing a hickey exactly where Jared can’t hide it, before looking back up at him.

Jared’s face is flushed, eyes distant and mouth open: panting. And god, Connor shouldn’t be finding this so hot, but then he hears a shuffle behind him, and turns to see Evan: eyes sharp and lips bitten red and Connor allows himself another smirk because at least he’s not alone.

“What the hell,” Jared finally gets - pants - out, arms still looped lazily around Connor’s shoulders, and legs resting around his waist, “was that?”

“An invitation,” Connor supplies, easing him down slowly, chuckling when Jared stumbles.

“An invitation?” Jared repeats slowly and Connor hums.

“Yep,” he says, popping the p and turning himself and Jared around until they are walking closer to Evan sitting in the chair nearest to Evan’s bed, “and now it’s your turn.”

“My turn?” Jared splutters, face getting pinker by the second, and Connor notices how his glasses have gone crooked from where Connor’s nose nudged them, “What the-” but before Jared can finish, Connor makes a quick gesture with his hand, and Evan is out of his seat and standing in front of Jared. It’s a shy stance, almost coy, and Connor wishes he had a camera to record how Kleinman's eyes pop out of his head.

“What the fuck,” Jared croaks, but it’s not a no and he and Evan can both clearly see how Jared quickly lets his eyes wander up and down Evan, before turning back towards Connor. But Jared’s face is different now, something in it shifting until all that his features hold is rage.

Jared’s gritting his teeth, and Connor’s rolling his eyes and about to explain _and jesus fuck, Kleinman, can’t you just let yourself have this_ when Evan huffs, and pulls Jared into him in one swift motion.

The room around them freezes before it melts.

Evan’s kiss with Jared isn’t anything like Connor’s. Jared doesn’t pull his hair or yank him closer. Instead, Jared holds Evan like he’s the most precious thing he’s ever touched. Like with one wrong move Jared could break him without having any way to fix him.

Connor takes a step back, along with a breath from how familiar the look on Jared’s face is.

Evan’s the desperate one in the kiss, pulling Jared forward by the front of his shirt and holding him there, trying to push him to do something. Evan shifts closer, nearly stepping on Jared’s feet in the process.

It takes Jared a second, and Connor can see it on his face, to decide if this is real, if it’s an awful joke: a dream. Connor sees when he finally accepts that what is happening is real, and it’s so sincere he feels like all of the breath has been knocked out of him.

Jared tilts Evan’s chin up with his thumb, so gently that it has Evan making a needy noise, and licks into his mouth until Evan’s sighs and three accelerated heartbeats are the only sounds in the room.

Suddenly the room is scorching and suffocating, and the image of Evan holding on to too tight to Jared as one of Jared’s hands hold Evan’s chin while the other one gently brushes his cheek bone, is one that will forever remain in Connor’s brain.

Jared’s the one to break them apart. He takes a step back, fingers lightly tracing Evan’s lips while trying to gain some breath, and Connor feels frozen in his spot.

Jared rubs his eyes before opening them to which they immediately drop down to where Evan’s lips are seeing how swollen and _pretty boy_ red they’ve become, and he groans. Connor can relate.

There are a few moments of not too uncomfortable silence before Jared speaks.

“I-” Jared starts, eyes darting back and forth between them both, but for once he looks at a loss for something to say - and Connor can still see the longing in his eyes, the way his tongue darts out to reverently lick over where parts of Connor and Evan are scattered, the fear buried down in his irises that this is all just a big joke - and Connor takes that as his queue to jump in.

“Yeah,” he starts, walking back over and standing beside them both, “we know.”

Evan smiles and Jared’s shoulders slump and Connor thinks maybe this might be the beginning of the end.

.

This - whatever they are, whatever they could be - doesn’t fix them.

Evan hasn’t tried to kill himself again though, Jared and Connor make sure he takes his meds and attends each therapy session on time, and neither has Connor.

It doesn’t mean the thoughts are gone, at least not for Connor - not when he and Jared bump heads too many times in a day, and Evan doesn’t like to pick sides, and Larry and Zoe won’t leave him alone - but he doesn’t try again. And he thinks that’s what matters.

Connor still gets so angry sometimes that he can’t hear anything but his own blood rushing, and it takes Evan soothing voice and Jared running to grab his medication that helps him calm down. Jared’s still too mean, misplaced hostility and insecurity, all sharp edges and too many instances of one wrong word delivered through a sneer that has Evan crying and Connor yelling and Jared apologizing until they are all three hoarse.

Evan still gets too nervous or anxious, works himself up too much over something Jared’s done or Connor’s said, and has to text them because calling is still too hard. And Connor and Jared pretend that it doesn’t kill them each a little inside every time they hurt him: hurt each other.

Jared and Connor try to tell him - near the beginning, when it’s still all so fresh, so new, and they are each more terrified of losing each other than themselves - how much they don’t deserve him: don’t even deserve each other.

The first time starts when Jared and Connor are both high and it’s a celebration because Evan doesn’t like it when they use otherwise. Connor starts and Jared nods and adds on and neither of them understand when Evan starts to laugh so hard that his face flushes, and he’s biting his lip just to keep the rest in.

Which, in retrospect wasn’t Evan’s best move as it results with him sitting and whining in Connor’s lap while Jared runs hands underneath his shirt and Connor leaves as many hickies as he can on Evan’s neck: both of them getting higher off of Evan’s needy gasps and slightly open mouth than the weed.

It’s when they are all lying in the afterglow that Connor mentions it again, voice muffled by the way he’s falling into Evan’s chest, with Jared’s arm steady around his waist, eyes closed and mouth still open. Evan sighs and runs his fingers over Connor’s knuckles so gently that suddenly Connor wants to cry.

Because it’s like Evan can’t see that every time he touches them a little bit of their poison leaks in. How slowly they’re pollution him with their viciousness, with the anger Connor always lets out and the rage Jared keeps down except for the small hints that escape through jokes or sneers and smirks. They both try to tell him, about how their bad news who don’t even deserve each other much less Evan, but he never listens.

He doesn’t listen, no matter how many times they tell him.

When Connor tries to explain it to him, how they’re staining him, marking him up in their filth, Evan shrugs. He looks between Connor and Jared lying beside him on the bed - like their his goddamn world when really he’s all that’s in their’s - with a small smile and says, “It’s-s not like I’m perfect, Connor,” like he can’t see what a ray of pure sun he is in a too dark world, and Connor thinks he can hear two hearts shatter out of their three.

They make homes in each other. Three too broken boys in a world that has never given a shit, and fuck, Connor’s not going to thank the universe for doing it’s fucking job and making the life it forced on him worth living, but at least he still lives it and has found something he thinks is worth keeping.

 _Yeah,_ he thinks, watching how Jared’s head has fallen onto Evan’s chest as he buries the rest of himself into Connor’s side, both of their mouths slightly open and no other noise is present in the room besides the sounds of their breathing.

 _Yeah,_ Connor thinks, closing his eyes and wrapping an arm around them both, _something worth keeping._

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I'm rhymesofblue on tumblr if you want to follow me!


End file.
